June 24-June 30

What a week! My body is not sure which way it is supposed to go. Sometimes i go to bed early, sometimes late, but either way, i usually awake a couple of hours later, from a deep sleep, starving. i keep peanuts in a container by my bed, since a small handful is usually enough to stop the hunger pains, and then my stomach is good until morning. My feet, legs and arms are another matter. Usually sometime around 4am’sh, until i finally give in and get up, i start getting muscle cramps. The only way to stop the ones in my feet and legs is to get out of bed and walk around. The babies are getting used to this by now, but at first they couldn’t figure out if it was time to go outside and potty, or eat, or what. Now they just look up at me when i get out of bed, and then go back to sleep.

Theyd did a cbc blood test run a couple of weeks ago, along with a couple of other tests. My potassium, and magnesium were both in the normal range. i was also not dehydrated, so i am not sure what is causing this. i can’t blame the radiation, since the cramping actually started about a month ago. It just keeps getting more and more.

During the day, the muscle cramping seems to limit itself to my hands, and sometimes about midway down my back on either side. i have charts of pressure points (thank you Shelly!!) so i am starting to try to do acupressure on those areas. i am also trying a few other things that doctors have told me about in the past to help with muscle cramps. Oh, and i thought the ones in my feet were triggered by something at night, but the other day, i took a 2.5 hour nap during the day, and only woke up because they cramped up…evidently it has something to do with me lying down for a set period of time…hmmmm. thoughts? 🙂

You probably noticed i said i took a longer nap one day. Yep. i am getting more tired, but i am also trying to rest enough so that i don’t fall asleep during normal activities…like talking on the phone, watching tv, etc Counting down to July 18th!

Otherwise, the only other thing that has been interesting to deal with, has nothing to do with the radiation. But since i had my little stint in the hospital, my diet has gotten even weirder than before. That’s saying something. My body does not seem to enjoy healthy foods, ones that i actually like! When i eat salad, cereal, greek yogurt, egg salad, carrots, vegetables of any kind, and most solid foods, it tastes weird, and by the time it gets to my stomach, i don’t usually feel too good. i had most of a baked potato for dinner saturday night. i couldn’t finish it.

But pizza, caprese salad, bits of fried chicken, (not whole pieces), hot dogs, ice cream, ruffles, peanuts, etc. they all seem to be ok. i can’t eat a lot of them, but i don’t get as sick. i just ordered a case of the Ensure Therapeutic Nutrition they gave me at the hospital, and i drink at least one a day. Sometimes twice a day if i can’t get food down. i am keeping my weight even, so i know i’m doing ok in the calorie intake department. Although i do wish i could get a couple of more pounds off, i want to do it the right way. Eating right and moving around more.

i do get frustrated that i can’t do the things i want to do easily anymore…and i know that when the radiation is over and i start rebuilding my strength, it will come back. But i have my moments. i have to share one with you!
i was having a “woke up in time to make it to an appointment” day, and those are so frustrating, i was telling God i wanted Him to hurry up and come back. i was tired of this, frustrated by my limitations, and even more anxious to go home where i will get a new body, see people i have lost over the years, etc.

i got in my car, and the radio was set to a Christian station, and a song was on i hadn’t heard before. Here’s what i heard.

He’s got a plan, this is part of it
He’s gonna finish what He started
He’s got a plan, this is part of it
He’s gonna finish what He started
He’s not done
God’s not done writing your story
No, He’s not done
God’s not done with you
God’s not done with you

Hmmm…think i was supposed to take away something from that? Not surprisingly the name of the song is “God’s Not Done with You” and Tauren Wells sings it. The rest of the lyrics are equally as poignant.
(here’s a link to Tauren Wells page, and the song is near the top: 
https://www.taurenwells.com/music)

So, God’s not done with me. sigh. And i’m sure He’s not done with you yet either. Maranatha!

June 3-13

Catching up!! As per the previous post, on Monday, May 13 i got my chemo infusion (4 of  6). This time, i was not feeling good from the first day. That had not happened so far with this round of chemo. As discussed, this was supposed to be an easier type of chemo for my body to handle, and to a certain degree it was, however i was still getting fluids and such for the first three, and it was getting a little worse each time. i chalked up the issues this time to what i had been going through the previous two weeks, mourning dad, and physically worn out. Turns out i was not quite on point.

By Tuesday i knew something was a little off, and had some sensitivity in my mouth. i started taking some of the meds i take with mouth issues, hoping to take care of it early, but quickly i started realizing i had a bigger issue. i was starting to get blisters, some bleeding, most burning all the time, in my mouth and throat. i was unable to eat solid food, and started eating milk shakes for most of, if not all my meals. (again, 5 days of dairy queen milk shakes for my meals and i lost 9 more pounds! Sound familiar? 🙂  )

On Sunday i started having a fever, but tylenol was able to break the fever, and i was back to normal 98.5 through early morning on Monday.

On Monday the 20th, i had an oncology followup appointment late in the day. i woke up with a low fever, which quickly moved to 101 by 8:30’sh, and they told me to come right in. Upon arriving, i looked bad enough that they started me on pain meds and antibiotics right away. They then told me that i was going to be admitted to the hospital as soon as they could find a bed, and when this was cleared we would be talking about stopping further chemo. i was in a room in the cancer floor of Norton Women’s and Children hospital by late afternoon. i spent 8 days in the hospital, and had no white blood cells to speak of. My marrow was also not creating any new ones either. After multiple doctors, antibiotics, treatments and tests, i was released from the hospital, with a VERY low WBC. i stayed home that week resting, and when i went back to the docs on May 28th, i had enough WBC to return to work part time, with obvious precautions.

We also discussed upcoming treatment. They determined that my body really reacts differently to chemo, so we are going to stop chemo now, and start radiation. After the radiation is done, i will go into “followup” mode for about a year, and pray this is done. Done. All Done.

The past couple of weeks i have been working part time as my body would allow, and cleaning up around the house as much as possible. i hope to go in friday (June 14) to get a blood test done to find out what my totals are, and if i am still low in any areas.

i am still very tired. My sleep patterns are non-existent, and i m just now eating solid foods for at least 2 meals a day. i met with my radiation doctor and his team over the past two weeks, and start that on Wednesday, the 19th. It should be over around July 17th. Last time i took radiation, the only side effect i had was the weakness/tired response. Since i am slowly building that back now, the first week or so it may be barely noticable, and then we’ll see after that. We are already talking about ways to work around that, or at least minimize how much it will affect me physically.

The kids (Cuddles and Casper) and i are still figuring out what home life is like going forward. It seems really quiet around the house, especially in the evening. And sometimes i expect dad to be sitting in his chair, or wake me up in the morning. It is still new. i know it sounds weird, but keeping busy with the cancer and radiation helps. My memory (“chemo brain”) is still a challenge at times, and i know i will have some sort of that for the rest of my life, but i am ready to clear up as much of that as possible.

Thank you all for your cards, prayers, thoughts, calls, and support through the past couple of months. If you don’t hear from me, or want to catch up, please feel free to call, email or text. If i am in the middle of something, napping or just can’t get to the phone, i won’t pick up, but will call back if you leave a message.

There are three take-aways at this time:
1) Until i start getting my body evened out, my sleep and eating scheduled is very fluid. Dinner is not always at 6 (or even in the evening) and if i wake up at 4 am, and can’t get back to sleep, you may wake up to a text, email, etc. from me! Sorry ahead of time.
2) Resting doesn’t always mean sleeping. But if i am resting, unless it is urgent, i will probably not answer my phone or emails right away.
3) i have said this to several people, almost in a joking manner, but it is really pretty true – i know that God has a plan for all that i have been through recently. He won’t waste what He has been teaching me since March 2017, (and earlier of course.) And i trust Him totally. But i am also very scared of what He has planned for me, if this is the training for it. Please continue to keep our whole family in your prayers.

May 13-14

It’s been an interesting, emotional, surreal, busy, quiet, exhausting, no-sleeping, falling asleep in the middle of someone visiting, tears, laughter, [add your own description] 2 and 1/2 weeks.

On Friday, April 26, dad fell and hit his head. This caused bleeding into his brain, which was not viewable on his head anywhere, so finding it was a God thing in the ER. He had emergency surgery that night, and although the surgery was successful, he had multiple strokes over the next few days, something we found out on Monday, April 29. He went home to meet Jesus at 6:15 am on Tuesday, April 30.

i apologize to those who did not find it out until after his visitation, or are just now finding out. Dad was greatly loved, a great storyteller, and affected more lives than we may ever know.

i reminded him several times over his days in the icu, that he promised me two things:
1-he was going to be here until he was 100. (short by 8 1/2 years!)
2-God kept him around to take care of me through my cancer treatments. (i still have 3 more infusions, and a round of radiation!)

But he has told everyone that he was ready to go whenever Jesus wanted him to come home. He has led a full life, done what he wanted to do, and knew where he was going. i know where he is, and still believe that God’s got this as far as my journey goes, so although sometimes a bubble pops (see “God’s Bubble Wrap” post if you don’t understand that!) and i have a mini-meltdown, I know he is in a much better place. i wouldn’t ask him to come back.

Thank you to all of you that have stepped up to help me, my brother and his family, and of course my two babies. We appreciate it more than we can convey to you.

i had to delay my infusions from the original schedule, since dad was in the hospital when my 4th one was scheduled. So, i ended up having infusion #4 yesterday on the 13th. My numbers were great, and it was a problem free, so we were home by lunch. I was obviously more tired than i thought i was – i ended up sleeping until around 5:30 last night. When i woke up, i saw an invitation to one of my nephew’s house. He had everyone over to make sure they had some time together before my oldest nephew and his family were heading back home to North Carolina.

Anyway, i am still going on with chemo, then radiation, and i have a few times when i will be a bit out of reach for each treatment, but still going on with the journey I signed up for.

Thank you! God’s still got this. And i got a late Christmas present that was really timed perfectly. It is a glass box with the words “If God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it.”

God’s Bubblewrap

In 2003 my mother passed away. She and I were VERY close, and many people, myself included, were concerned about how I would handle it. That was my first experience with what i call “God’s Bubblewrap.” Now, in 2019, i find myself in a similar position. My father and i have become very close since mom passed. i have always known my father as “Daddy,” and God has given me the past 16 years to get to know him as “Sal” (aka Sam). Now, God my Father has again wrapped me in His bubble wrap to get me through this very hard time.

For those who don’t understand this concept, it is really quite simple. Right now, i am ok. I am able to handle the details of the visitation, guests, etc. Most of the time you see me, I seem rather ok.  i have my moments when I am overcome with sadness, and i find a quiet corner to sit and  cry in. But those moments are spaced out. There is plenty of time between them for me to get through the first few weeks. Then, over the next few months, God gently pops one of those bubbles.

Side note – my mom LOVED popping bubble wrap so much, that one Christmas I got her a box of bubble wrap, and she happily popped it all throughout the day! a good and bad thing. ha ha!

Anyway, when God pops a bubble, He is there with me for the meltdown. It can take months to get all the bubbles popped…so be prepared – i may be running graphics for an event, and all of a sudden start crying. And it’s ok. God’s got this too! (AKA God’s Got This #3)

January 29-Great News! (short version)

i had surgery last Wednesday, (January 23) and it went great! i know it was from all the prayers, and God moving. There is no other explanation!

Going into the surgery, i knew that the best case scenario was that the marker was all that was left, and it was a done deal. But i also knew the worst case scenario was that i could wake up with a masectomy. So i did my best to prepare myself for either outcome. Everyone was great! They got everything done faster than expected, and have a followup with the Surgeon this coming thursday at 4:30 pm to find out if it’s all gone! (pray!)

i came out of anesthesia better than any other time in my life. i woke up quickly with no real pain. Was able to eat some peanut butter with graham crackers right away without getting sick, and we even picked up some chinese food for me to eat when i got home. However nausea has started back up again, sometimes really debilitation. i am hoping that if i don’t have to do anything else, it will start to fade away as well.

In the mean time, i am being very good – following the docs orders very explicitly! Check back on thursday night, i will be posting the results of the biopsy are, and if there is going to be any followup treatment. You know, in words of that great philosopher we need to “nip it in the bud!” 🙂

Thanx for the continuing prayer for dad and i. We went to his hearing aid appointment yesterday (Monday, January 28), and when we got home he twisted around to say hi to someone, and rolled right down. Thankfully he went down over by the side steps, so we were able to stand up him up pretty easy. i am not able to lift anything over 5 lbs until cleared, so i helped with my right arm, acting more like something he used to balance on. He is still a little sore today, but nothing a couple of tylenol can’t help. We are both keeping an eye on him right now as well.

Please pray for the clear nodes! Very little, if any, followup treatment. My strength to return quickly, and everything needed to finish this fall into place!

Thank you all again for your prayers! Hoping we are approaching the end of this journey. And starting my next journey!

Thankful! (Nov 19)

This past week was a little different. Wait. i can’t start all my posts with that! If anything, i am learning the only thing that is “consistent”, is that it is not consistent. Or the only thing that is the same, is that it is different! ha ha.

Don’t get me wrong, so far the chemo seems to be much easier on my body overall. However, this time i started with a body that was still weak from last year, so i guess i can’t really compare the two. i feel great as long as i’m sitting or laying down. Almost normal! Then i decide to walk in the kitchen to get a drink, and i get winded and shaky. So i’ll continue to sit whenever possible!

So this last monday i had an infusion. The next day, some of the SE started. Surprise! Made for an interesting week. i found out that applesauce is a pretty good main course. But i am very excited that i am on the way back up, on the same week as Thanksgiving! i am so looking forward to turkey with all the trimmings.

i’m thankful that i don’t have to cook the turkey – my brother and his youngest daughter make a great meal. i’m thankful that i’ll get to see at least some of my brothers kids and grandkids. i’m thankful that i’ll be bringing leftovers home, so i can enjoy the meal on Friday too! There are so many things i am thankful for. Things i never took the time to think of before.
Family. Snuggle time with Cuddles and Casper.
Friends/Neighbors: Always there. Helping and encouraging.
Work. It’s been the wildest 20 months ever, and their support has been amazing.
Hair. Yes, even when it is out of control.
Home. Power. Blankets. Fireplace. Reruns of NCIS. Being able to go to the grocery store without help or using a motorized cart.
Dad & technology. i really need to write that book! ha ha.

This is just a short list. We all have our own list. And it makes my heart hurt when i think that there are those who don’t have these comforts. Thank You Lord. Forgive me Lord. Soli Deo Gloria.

Choosing Joy

This post i actually wrote a few weeks back. It was the night before i was to receive my diagnosis from my biopsy. i didn’t write it then to put it on the blog, not even sure why i wrote it. You can tell, since it is kind of disjointed – writing the portions as i thought them. In the past couple of weeks i really felt it was something to share here. So i am sharing it just as it was originally written. And if you know me, you can certainly see me doing this, and understand why i am not doing a video blog. (smile).

Choosing Joy:

The night before i was due to find out about my second diagnosis, i was in my office (with the door shut!) and had one of the Christian radio stations on. The song “I Choose Joy” by For King and Country came on the radio. That is a song that just makes you move around. You can’t sit still!

i found out that my chair has a “bounce” to it. It was cool!! If anyone would have come by my office, they would have heard “i choose joy, let it move you, let it move you” and to the beat i was bouncing and spinning in my chair, singing it out to Jesus.

And it was not lost on me that the pre-chorus goes:

“Oh hear my prayer tonight,
i’m singing to the sky,
give me strength to raise my voice, let me testify.
Oh hear my prayer tonight
cause this is do or die
the time has come to make a choice,
and i choose joy”

‘nuff said.

Thank you!!!!

This has been a journey. i am starting to realize why most people have said to me “I’m so sorry you have to go through this.” God’s peace that He gave to dad and i brought with it a bit of hope that God would be merciful with the side effects.

To be truthful, He has.

There have been a few times in the past couple of months that i have hurt more than i thought i could stand. But i know that it could have been much worse. God truly is the one that carries you through this. (FYI – This is SO much easier to say when i am able to sit up on the couch, focus on a computer screen, and try to convey what has been going on to you. If you had been here Sunday morning around 2:00 am, i probably was not saying that. 😉

God did give me an insight to the fact that the first couple of months would be rough, but doable. But that there would be a time when i would not be able to do things, or be more than a blob on the couch and we would be relying on the kindness of family and friends. As hard as it is to say, i am there. i know i will still have good days, and i do have good hours, but it is scary and humbling to be in this place.
And then this happens:
i have been out of pocket for about the last 4-5 days. I opened up the computer today to catch up on the blog, and went to the meal train site. wow. i read out loud to dad the people that have signed up. We thought about those that have already been here, and helped in many ways (including last minute doctors appointments) He was blown away, and i just cried. Overwhelmed.

I see texts, notes, cards, emails, the people who are feeding dad, helping him, and i am overwhelmed. Sometimes dad and i just look at each other and say “We are so blessed!! (yes, we do!)

Please don’t think we are not getting your encouragement and prayer notes. I have every note, card, and text that has been sent. It is what we are holding onto and relying on.

The reaction i had with the last round of chemo, neuropathy hit me hard. I am getting feeling back in my hands and feet, but i cannot write, at least not anything you will be able to read! And my typing wpm has gone WAY down! They say it will come back, but please do not think me rude if it takes me a while to respond.

I’m also dealing with chemo brain!! It’s real! Any of you that have taken me to chemo can probably attest to that, right? 🙂 The weakness is frustrating.  Dad is doing a lot of talking on the phone for me. i do find that typing these posts are great therapy for my fingers, and my brain.

All this to say, THANK YOU! We love you. And may God richly bless you!!

Realities

i’m not sure  what I expected. When you hear the word cancer you wonder what you would do if you ever got that call. i did not react the way i thought i would, and actually, at times, it still seems surreal.

From the moment i found the mass, God gave me and dad an almost unreal peace about it. He has gone before us in so many ways! The people that He has directed in my path have been amazing! Very knowledgeable! Great bedside manner! Moving at a pace that is sometimes overwhelming, but also comforting. They have taken the time to sit with me and explain everything, answering any and all of my questions as best they can. i really feel like there is a team of people that are working with me to beat this.

When i was diagnosed, i did not look sick. Everyone was surprised. Actually, even in the second week of treatment, i still didn’t look sick. At least in public. There were some side effects the first week, but nothing like you see on tv. They were more internal, and a response of my body to the chemo in my system.

Still, i had been reading up on the effects of chemo, and found that sometime between the second and third treatment, my hair would start to fall out. Not in one fell swoop, or even a over a period of hours, but clumps of hair would fall out randomly, over a time that could be a couple of days, or even weeks. So i called one of my best friends, and asked her to go with me to get a buzz cut. i was looking for her to be there for me as a comfort and encourage. She was so much more. She had her hair buzz cut with me! i cannot tell you how much that meant to me. As much as i hate to admit it, it was hard losing my hair at first, however  she made it much easier. But now that it is coming out, i’m ready for it all to be gone. It is coming out in sections, and the top of my head looks like i got caught  a weed-whacker. Not exactly my best look.  i have, well, had, a LOT of hair. Been told that all my life. So even though it has been falling out at a steady pace for about 2 weeks, there is still quite a bit left!

Before I got my hair buzzed, i got an idea. My two “kids” were still sporting their cold weather coats, and dad’s hair was also getting a little long. So i had a friend come over and take “before” pics. All of us with all our hair. Then when i finally go bald, the kids are groomed, and dad get’s his haircut, we are going to do an “after” pic. i promise to put both pics up when that happens.