Several people have asked me the same question over the last couple of weeks. Well, it was always worded differently, but it was the same question. Don’t you know you might die? Are you delusional? Naive? “Well evidently you are in denial.” Yes, that last one has actually been said to me several times.
First of all, Yes. i do know i may die. We all know that we will die one day, but sometime in the future. Now that day for me could be just around the corner. In the last week, there have been multiple deaths from accidents, shootings, heart attacks, choking, etc. Those people didn’t know they were going to die that day. They didn’t have a chance to get things together for those they left behind. i am blessed to have that chance. If this journey has shown me anything, it is that we need to be prepared to go at any time. Making a will, or setting up an “in case something happens to me” file does not mean i’m suicidal, morbid, or depressed. It just means i want to make sure that dad and the kids (dogs) are going to be ok if anything happens. They know they will have a place to live, and everything they need.
Secondly, i know this is a different journey. The first round of cancer/chemo was a one shot thing. Almost everyone knows someone who has had cancer once and beaten it. The first round, everyone was upbeat and positive i was going to live. It’s different now. It was just over a year ago when i started this before. My body has not had a long time to rebuild, so i am starting from a weaker physical position. i have had reactions to some of the chemo drugs, so that limits what i can use going forward. And this cancer started in a different side of my body. It is not a re-occurrence of my cancer, but a new fight with the same type of cancer. There are not as many people who are positive this time around.
So if i ask you a question, or look for input on any legal or personal matters. i am making plans. i am not being morbid, or giving up. Just being practical. God has given me such a peace about both diganosis’, that i am good either way. If i beat this again, great! If i go home, that’s great too! At least it is great for me, but i want to make that transition easier for those i am leaving here.
As with so many aspects of this journey, if you have any questions, just ask. i will answer you honestly and in as much, or as little detail as you wish.
